Adultolescence

So yesterday I went to Walmart because I had some things to buy, but I ended up only purchasing 4 items: a small cactus plant, a can of chickpeas, an underbed storage box, and the Frozen DVD. This was so ridiculous to me, not only that I bought this truly bizarre combo of items but also that I made an entire trip to Walmart for these seemingly completely unnecessary things (not really the chickpeas--we'll get to that). And in my typical self-deprecating manner, I posted a picture of the items to my FaceBook page with the caption “I am not an adult…”

Which, I mean, is a true statement. I’m not an adult. Yes, because of my age I can vote, see R-rated movies, serve in the military, give consent, drink alcohol, purchase lottery tickets, tobacco, and pornography, and be held accountable under the full capacity of the law. And there are even some typical “adult-ish” aspects to my life. I have a job (two jobs!), I very generally take care of/provide for/maintain responsibility for myself which is a major part of adulthood. I have to be an advocate for myself. I also get to do things like eat my dessert before my dinner or watch YouTube videos for 3 hours just because there's no one else around to tell me not to. 

But also there are many many many decidedly non-adult things about my life. Even though I file a tax return each year (because I have two jobs and the IRS exists), I'm still listed as a dependent on my parents' taxes and so I just get all my money back. I don't have a real credit card, just a debit card. Age wise, I can't rent a car or run for federal office. And no matter how many Martha Stewart tutorials I read, I can't for the life of me fold a freaking fitted sheet. 

As mentioned before, I'm in a very transitional period of my life right now. I'm on the cusp of entering the world (isn't that a terrible phrase??) and generally, I feel that society expects me to be an adult. 

But here's the thing about being an adult that I am coming to realize: it's always going to be kind of dependent on the situation that you're currently in at that time. And a lot of the time, it doesn't really depend on you, it depends on another person or group of people. 

As you know, I'm an education major and part of my program involves us pre-service teachers going into classrooms for a few hours a week to essentially practice teaching. My very first ever teaching placement was in a Kindergarten classroom during their math period; I was 20 (I might have even been 19 my first few visits to that class, I don't remember; I have a late birthday). And on my first or second time in that classroom, the lead teacher came up to me and asked if I could lead a math station with the students that morning. To be clear, she had created the lesson and given me all the materials and then told me exactly what to do. But I was still petrified. But what I quickly realized as the students began coming over to my station and I began teaching them, was that they were completely convinced that I was an "adult". I was their teacher and in that moment, to them, I had all the competence, confidence, and knowledge that I needed. Funnily enough though, I'm reasonably sure that's not how the lead teacher felt about me at that time. But even though she knew I was most likely not a competent, confident, and knowledgeable adult, she did know that I needed a chance to try being one, even if it was just for an hour in front of a bunch of Kindergarteners. She was willing to step back in that moment and let me try, but still be there to help me with the consequences, negative or positive. 

Now sometimes, this influence of other people works in the opposite way. Like if I'm fighting with my parents and I say, "but I'm an adult!" and they say "No you're not!" I tend to side with them. Because, well they actually are adults, so they're probably right. And that's a big confidence blow, but importantly, like this former teacher, my parents are doing this as a way to help me deal with consequences. Or maybe even protect me from consequences. 

And when you don't have this support for dealing with consequences, the influence of others can backfire. Instead of learning that it's okay to try, you learn that you've failed and you are very reluctant to try again. You get very end goal focused (like, "I'm never going to get there!") rather than small moment focused (like, "I need to find a more manageable way to solve this problem.")

So this is what I was thinking about tonight while cooking and eating Moosewood's Gingery Chick Peas (thanks Walmart!) with quinoa--a very yummy, but very beige colored meal. And unfortunately, I don't think I'll really have a definite answer to the question, "Am I an adult yet?" for many many years. But increasingly, I'm beginning to come around to the fact that that's okay. And that probably that's not the question to even be asking in the first place. If you have a support around you and the space and confidence to act as an adult in whatever particular moment or situation, you're probably an adult. And those moments aren't going to happen all the time, or in a row. Because being an adult isn't a destination. Sure, it has a lot of perks, and I'm sure I'll get to a lot of them. But in true University of Virginia student fashion I'm trying to follow the wisdom of Thomas Jefferson who believed that we never stop learning and we shouldn't want to. 

**NOTE: Even though I would very much like to take credit for the absolutely perfect term "adultolescent", I did not make it up. It comes from the brilliant mind of Hannah Hart**